Maybe it runs in the family.

I have not had the time/energy/inclination to blog recently. However, luckily, my darling sister has provided me with fodder! I got this email from her today and it is too hysterical to not share. And therefore, without any further ado..

Hazard girl strikes again.  It seems that her sphere of influence is growing and has now spread to her brother in law.

I asked T. to please, please stain the little bench I made that I bought from Costco.  It was a NIGHTMARE  to put together but that’s another story. I wanted it stained before it got all wet and rotted away.  He readily agreed.  How much work can it be to stain a little bench?  So off he goes to the little hardware store in Southampton.

T: “I’d like to buy a quart of stain, please”

Clerk: “What kind of stain?”

T,a bit nonplussed: “ah, er… to do a bench…”

That was enough for the guy to launch into a litany of descriptions of the stains they have, how they’re formulated, whether they’re water proof, water resistant, water repellant, low vols, temperature and humidity standards, permeability, sealing properties, etc, etc. T. tried to politely say that… he doesn’t care.  All to the nought.  He realized he wasn’t going to leave the store without becoming an expert on paints and stains. Finally, he can get a word in edgewise.

T.: “I’ll take the SICO 2G30 standard tempura hydrolyzed low luster”

Clerk: “The low luster is not available in the SICO standard tempura, you have to go either premium acrylic or standard debenzolyzed formulation….”

T (shouting): “Yes yes, that’s what I want”

Clerk: “Which one?”

T: “That one,the dehydrolyzed one.”

Clerk: “You mean the debenzo…”

T: “Yes, yes I’ll take it, for the love of God I’ll take it.”

It was nearly over, all he had to do was just take it over to the counter and pay for…..

Clerk: “What colour would you like?”

T, thinking Colour?”, he has to pick a colour?: “Wood coloured please”,

The clerk is rummaging under the desk and brings out a book with a panoply of colours for him to consider.  He picks one at random.

T: “This one”

Clerk:  “Oh not too many people go for the English Chestnut, is your bench a Queen Anne style?” Seeing T’s look he quickly adds “although it can work very well for an Edwardian style..?”

Anyway he starts to prepare the stain, he frowns, looks at some literature, frowns again and remarks, “Oh no, this is not right, the G references are backwards, I”ll have to phone the manufacturer.”  And off he strides, as T is desperately thumbing through the colours and shouting after him “Did I say English Chestnut, no, no I meant ah, mulled cherrywood bisque, the bisque, the bisque.”  But it is too late.  The clerk has gone in to the back room to call the manufacturer.

He comes back about 10 minutes later, and relates the incredibly funny story of how the manufacturer managed to screw up this colour because before they retrofitted their factory, in Sweden they were using the old ASTM standards when the States started the hydrolyzed formulations, the mixing formulae, were still to the old German ACE specs!”  So he makes up T’s stain.  He squirts a few brown drops in there and mixes it for 20 minutes.  Then he takes the lid off to see the product.

Clerk: “It’s a bit light, how about I put some more ….”

T, panicking and shouting: “It’s perfect! I’ll take it, it’s just perfect!”

He pays for it and runs out of the store, vowing never to return.  And that is why my bench looks more like Norwegian alder than English chestnut.