Announcing the grand opening of OMG Gear, an online digital camera store for all your camera needs. Includes point and shoot cameras, digital SLRs, lenses, and even books.

Part of the growing OMG empire that hubby Rick Blythe is building. Be sure to visit!

The room is currently ELECTRIC lime green sponge paint. I went to The Home Depot and chose a very subtle tan colour (called Gobi Desert) that would match the cream wainscotting and white wrought iron bed. The paint counter fellow told me that he could mix 15 gallons of this colour in the morning and it would be gone in the evening, it is that popular (although I read between the lines to mean COMMON or possibly BORING). He suggested that I punch things up with a black accent wall. WHAT?!?! I stammered that I didn’t think so. He then told me to consider black trim. Again, I demurred. He told me it would be an exciting new look and I finally practically shouted at him:

I DON’T NEED THAT KIND OF EXCITEMENT IN THE BEDROOM!!!

I took my Gobi Desert and slunk away quietly, to the snickers of the other shoppers who actually had no idea what had prompted my outburst. It was a hazardous kind of day.

I hope she doesn’t mind that I copied this here. She certainly can laugh at herself and really, sister, I am laughing WITH you and not AT you. (Well, OK a little bit at you).

I am really not that old but as my father died of colon cancer in his early 50′s, so my doctor wanted me to start being screened early.
The procedures are basically done in an assembly line at the hospital  under a general anaesthetic. Waiting to be called in the tiny waiting room all I could think was “one of these things is not like the other!” as in, I am a cute young girl, and I am surrounded by croaking old – really old men.

So, I got called to my little tented pre-op/post-op space amongst all the other pajama partiers in which to change into a lovely gown — “open in the back” is what was barked at me by the nurse. Did I mention the chorus of farts going off in every direction!! Yes – farts!! Apparently they pump you up with air. This is just getting more horrific by the minute. Anyway, once dressed, off I was to “the room”.

As I am being wheeled back to my “slot” to wake up, past all the others waiting or recovering, apparently I attempted to sit up and exclaim “That was amazing!”. Except that it came out

“THHHAAATT WUZZ AMAAAAAZZHHINGG!!”

The Dr. without missing a beat said “well, that is one way to describe it”. Mortified is my middle name. Hazardgirl is my first name.

The prep, I was told didn’t “work” that well, so I have to go back in a year instead of five years. Crap. Really.

I was petsitting for friends that were on vacation who have a hamster and two cats. One evening I went to feed and water the critters and afterwards was to meet up with a friend to see a movie. Things started out badly when I realized that the hamster had stuffed a BUNCH OF BEDDING into the tube that separates her two cages. I emptied out the bedding, full of hamster food and probably hamster poop so that she could get to the other side. I then proceeded to deal with the cats. I checked their litter box and thought “hmm. Two cats, two days and there is NO shit in this litter box. I wonder where it is?”. I found it in the middle of the family room. Sigh.

I cleaned up the cat poop and went to throw it in the garbage in the garage. The door from the house to the garage LOCKED behind me. ALL of my stuff was in the house and I had also locked the front door. I panicked a bit, wondering how I would get back in the house when I opened the garage. Little did I know…I pressed the garage door opener and the door did not open. I tried again. Nothing. Uh oh. The side door from the garage to the yard was nailed shut with 2×4′s across it. Oh Crap. I actually almost passed out. There was No Where To Go.

I sat down on the stairs. As I was due to meet a friend and I think she knew where I was headed before the movie, I figured a few hours before I was discovered. Hyperventilating. Then I looked up. And saw that the garage door opener was unplugged. I scrambled up a ladder, plugged it in and YAY!!! I managed to get the door open and feel freedom, sweet freedom!

I remembered that they had given a neighbour a key (because I AM Hazardgirl after all) but wasn’t exactly sure which neighbour. I thought I would just start knocking on doors. Luckily it was the first one I tried. I spilled out my story  to poor Rob and his family. For those of you that know me, I am not a slow talked at my calmest. Get the adrenaline pumping and I am CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!!! IWASLOCKEDINTHEGARAGEANNEEDTHE KEYTOGETMYSTUFFSOICANGOSEEAMOVIE.

Happy ending. Got the keys, got my stuff and skedaddled out of there as fast as I could. Now I have an unnatural paranoia of getting locked in places. Great. Another thing to add to my list for my own brand of crazy.

The link to the website is www.centralspa.ca. (Warning: NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK.)

Needless to say, I do not anticipate purchasing a bathtub there. Or anything at all. I need to take a shower now.

1) I was dusting the bedroom and reached for the Pledge. Unfortunately, I grabbed hairspray and sprayed it all over the furniture. :\

2) At the grocery store, I was bagging my groceries. I then saw the fellow behind me looking a little confused. It became clear to me that I had put HIS groceries into MY bags. So the sort began…

I scooped up the litter and as I carried it across the tile, I realized that there was a small hole in the bottom of the plastic grocery bag that I was using to carry it to the garage. What I did NOT realize is that by the time I got to the garage door, the bag would almost entirely give out, dumping used cat litter into NOT ONLY the shoes BUT my open purse that was left by the garage door.

When I told Rick what happened, he asked me what I did AFTER I crawled out from under the shopping cart.

The other day she was shopping with my sister, pushing the cart when she fell at the grocery store. It seems that the cart got away from her, but instead of letting go, she wiped out, PULLING the cart on top of her. Luckily she wasn’t at all hurt, because, as she said ” her soft hat helped her to not hurt her head when it cracked onto the floor”.

Her next sentence to me was “so I crawled out from under the cart and I was just fine”.

I told her that she needed to start wearing a helmet.

 “To install:  Insert new register“.

Really. I had no idea what to do with the new register, thank goodness I saw that on the box.

I have a friend who’s father was once in the shower and grabbed what he THOUGHT was the shampoo but was actually VIM cleanser.

I once brought small can of tuna to work but when I opened my lunch, I realized that I brought a can of Fancy Feast cat food. Yum.

I had another friend that brought to work what she THOUGHT was a can of Diet Coke but it was actually a Coor’s Light!

The lesson today, kids, is to ALWAYS read the label. Or better yet, drink beer at work.

Anyway, some random thoughts I had this evening:

1) We saw "Quantum Solace" tonight. Unfortunately, I am a bit of a pea-brain when it comes to watching Bond movies, I always have issues deciphering the plot and if there are carry-over characters, well, forget it. Luckily, Daniel Craig means it doesn’t matter. He is so lithe and lanky, slinking like a cat on a roof top. Nobody’s eyes should be that colour. I may be swooning just a lil bit.

2) We went to the bookstore after the movie and I was absolutely moved to tears by a photography book of old dogs. It was the pictures of the dogs and their stories told by their people, so incredibly poignant and heartbreaking. Really, me-thinks the girl needs to get a slightly thicker skin. Tears at the bookstore are never a good thing. Don’t I realize that there is war and famine in the world? Old dogs, obviously loved and cared for are not something to be too sad about.

3) Why-oh-why do I live in Southern Ontario? Southern Ontario in January is horrendous. We left the movie and walked into a snowstorm. Our summers are fabulous but oh-so-short. North or South Carolina sound good to me about now.

4) Rick has been reading about (interpretation: obsessed with) the current economic collapse and the fucked up way that the US is dealing with it. Pursuant to point # 3, he thought that if we moved to the States he could truly bitch about things being unconstitutional.

5) I went to the grocery store this evening and behind me in line was a couple purchasing cat food, cat litter and a litter box. I then saw the female in the couple was actually carrying a kitten and it was obviously new.  I thought "I wish you all the joy in the world with your new addition. They teach you such great things but can bring so much heartbreak". I hope that little one has a good life, full of people that love him.

Later!

At one point, she said “you are a dirty man, with a dirty, DIRTY wife”.

After we stopped laughing, we all quietly wondered how did she know???

Plug- Check out Rick’s online Amazon store!

Returning the Denon receiver was a breeze, the store did not even check inside the box to ensure that the receiver was actually there and not 20 pounds of bricks. Well done Futureshop.

The cables were purchased at another store though. If you have ever purchased electronic cables, you will know that the packaging must absolutely be destroyed to get to the cables. Unfortunately, the store that the cables were purchased from had a 15% restocking fee for “opened merchandise“. Although I was irritated, the cables were no good to us and so, even though we paid $103 for them, I would rather get back the $85 or so than have cables we cannot use.

At the customer service desk (that you CANNOT get to from inside the store-we actually had to go outside and back in to get to the desk) the snarky teenager explains to me Tider Direct’s return policy.

Teenager: OK, your refund will be $99.83

Me: saying nothing, but drawing a mental question mark

Teenager (showing me the bills): OK, here is your original bill for $103.94 and here is your return of $99.83, -15%.

Me: best-ever-pokerface

She even confirmed it with another cashier that recorded meticulously the transaction details in a book.

Now, I am usually very honest and conscientious and would normally feel guilty about this but if you are in RETAIL and have no clue how to estimate 15%, I am not going to help you. Your job interview should have filtered you out of the workforce.

I grabbed my refund and my husband and fled the scene of the crime, feeling slightly vindicated. Husband still hasn’t recovered from the climax/anti-climax gyration from almost having a real home theatre setup.

The other night I came up to bed. Rick was already there and when I walked into the room, I knew that something was wrong. His one eye was totally bloodshot.

Me: What the HELL happened to to your eye?

Rick: I put eardrops in it. I went to get eye drops for my itchy eyes and found a little bottle of Murine. I thought it was FREAKING eye drops but they were EAR DROPS! The bottle was the right shape, with a little dropper at the end. Since when does Murine make EAR DROPS??? It is PEROXIDE!!!

Me: Oh My God. Are you OK? Do we need to go to the hospital?

Rick: No, I managed to find some Visine and after carefully studying the label with my good eye, determined that it was safe to put in.

Me: lost it… absolutely hysterical, laughing

Rick: It’s NOT funny! It’s like someone giving you Aspirin and after you take two, you find out it is actually Aspirin brand Laxatives. sheesh…grumble grumble

Ah yes, the net of hazardgirl has been flung far and wide.

Recently, some friends and I went out for dinner and we decided to hit “The Gown” for old times sake. My first impression was that the bar was closed as it was so dark inside. We walked in and quickly realized that this bar was not the bar we used to go to. The overwhelming feeling was black walls and dark leather furniture. The bar was trying to look like a sophisticated club but was SATURATED with pretentious 20 year olds.

It was truly the end of an era.

Janet claimed I should have run with it, nobody would ever know!

Tragically, he was the only little kid with a costume on that cold morning in 1961. Unfortunately, the teacher wouldn’t let him go home to change, so he was stuck in a head-to-toe fuzzy bunny suit all day long. My poor brown eyed bunny.

For some reason, I find this absolutely hysterical yet heartbreaking all in the same breath. The poor little shmoo. These are the kinds of things that therapists just WAIT for!

Rick got home from work last Friday and shouts “WE HAD A CAKEWRECK AT WORK!” (we take our surfing seriously, quick to steal adopt the vernacular of other bloggers). I introduce you to The Dog. I don’t know what is worse, the knife at the dog’s throat, the rotten teeth, the melting zombie eyes. My man loves cake and even he couldn’t bear the thought of this one.

Hats off to you, Jen. You are my hero, in a truly wrecktastic sense. Can I offer you a cupcake cake?